The other day I noticed I was holding back in my prayer. I was neither expressing everything I was feeling and experiencing, nor asking for everything I needed or wanted.
(Even typing this, the word “wanted” feels really heavy.)
I was “cleaning up” my life before coming to God in prayer, much like I do on Facebook. I wanted to appear generous, sensible, put-together, and “good”.
Did I think I was going to fool Him? Or was it just habit because, you know, Social Media? Or was it because I didn’t think I was worthy? Or perhaps I thought I was bothering God with trivial things?
Each of these probably contributed a bit in their own way, but upon reflection, I also thought that if I were to ask for and recieve a gift from God – a literal answer to my prayer – that there would be an obligation that came with it, as if His gift would come with strings attached.
And because I didn’t want to deal with strings, I didn’t want Him to put me outside my comfort zone, I’d rather not have a prayer answered.
As we say here in South Dakota… Uffda.
So I’ve written myself a note in my prayer journal to explore “obligation” in the coming days and see what God is trying to tell me. I’ve learned over these last couple of months of expanding my prayer time that when I find resistance, that’s probably where I need to dig deeper.
Love and prayers